Inner Beauty is for Fat People

I'll admit I have a not-totally-healthy obsession with my weight. For 31 years I was rail thin -- 5'10" and about 110 pounds. I liked being skinny. Man, if only I'd been a bike racer then!!! I'd be one of those skinny little climber girls that everyone hates.

And then I had my first major surgery in 1996, gained a few pounds and it never completely went away (but I still wasn't fat at 125 pounds). Weight went up & down but I was a very happy, healthy, muscluar, fast 130-pound cyclist in 1999. Beginning in 2002, I started gaining weight even though I rode my bike about 15-20 hours a week, ran, lifted and ate right. I was puzzled, but I also had a few periods of time off the bike (DVT, mother died, a couple of crashes), so I assumed it was weight from inactivity.

Well, the weight continued to pile on for three years, until I'd gained 50+ pounds. WTF! Little did I know that the little butterfly in my neck wasn't working, so no matter how much I trained and how little I ate, my metabolism had basically shut down. Can you imagine what it does to your self-esteem to work in the fitness (aka beautiful body) industry and feel fat and out of shape? Do you realize how much others judge you based on the way you look? Or how slowly you climb hills? Shambles, I tell you!

Happily, in late 2004 I finally found out what was wrong with me. Two surgeries later, in May 2005, I tipped the scales at almost 190 pounds. It sickens me just to type that. But, I got my literally-fat-ass back on the bike and once we got my thyroid meds levelled out, the scale began it's first descent in more than two years. It's been up & down in the past 14 months, but mostly down for a total loss of about 30 pounds. Let me tell you, it's been a hell of a lot of work. Since last May, I've logged about 600 hours on the bike and eaten more green things that I care to think about.

In February the weight-loss stopped. Not sure why but it's frustrating the hell out of me. I've detoxxed twice, considered all types of crazy weight-loss supplements, and even contemplated liposuction. The only positive thing that's kept me going is the fact that my watts are going up and up even if the scale isn't going down and down.

But now, for the third time since the Death Ride, I've had this crazy weight-gain. Today, since stepping on the scale this morning, I'm up 9 pounds! Criminy!!! I've been weighing myself daily for about six years and never in all those years have I seen anything as crazy as this. Why am I retaining water? Am I diabetic? Are my kidneys failing? Are my electrolytes totally out of balance? Why did I stop losing weight? What to do?

ps -- for anyone who's reading this thinking "she's a coach and she has such an unhealthy attitude about weight" my response is "the plumber has leaky pipes!" After all I've been though in the past decade, I have every right to be psycho about my weight. There's nothing worse than feeling lost in someone else's body and that's what I've felt like -- a skinny girl trapped in a fat chick's body. Could someone please let me out? I'm missing the best years of my life here!!!